I'm a bit of a dreamer according to my mother. She worries that amidst my scattered ideas and idealistic thoughts, I'll spend the better part of my adult life listless and adrift, never settling on a "secure" path. She's from the old school, where success is measured by your career path in the corporate world. Where the greatest thing you could tell someone at your 10 year high school reunion was that you were now middle-management for a Fortune 500 company. That is the world she grew up in and that is the world that provided for her and her family.
I have so much trouble wrestling with the worldly view of success, and the idealistic view. Growing up I never wanted for anything. My parents were fantastic providers. I went to great schools, had all the love I craved, and never needed anything. My dad worked for IBM for 32 years before he retired, my mother worked for over 20. We traveled around the world for the first 10 years of my life. It was amazing. I want nothing more than to provide for my children in that same way.
On the other hand, my dad's job was very stressful. He worked long hours and took many trips. At the age of 63, when I was only 12 years old, he passed away from a heart aneurysm.
The practical side of me wants to be the corporate shill. Wants to aim for the promotions and the pension and the nice house and the nice car. The idealistic side of me wants more than just an extra zero on my pay check. I want to impact the kingdom of God in a serious way. I want to stand before him in Heaven and know that my life was used to the fullest.
This is such a hard thing to balance. How many of my decisions are youthful ignorance and idealism? How many of them are powerful affirmations of my faith in Jesus Christ? I praise Jesus for the spiritual gift of discernment. Without it I think I would have tapped out a long time ago. Still, I'm in the hardest stage of my life and my walk with God that I have been in yet, and it's hard to not have doubts.
More to follow...
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Worldly view, idealistic view... I think your idealistic view is almost on tap with God's view of success. I think in the end, all I ever want to hear is the Lord say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." And how much does this apply to! EVERYTHING. How I spend my time, who I invest in, effort I put forth at school, one day, how I raise my kids, what I do in church...
It's just funny you mention all this. I think back to the reunion paper I wrote back my senior year of high school. I still have it. I should show you sometime. It's amusing, but some of it still sticks. Particularly when I said I want to live out the words to the song "Leave a Legacy". Powerful. Also should be shared. Perhaps a blog entry sometime. :)
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