Faith or insanity? (part 2)

Several months ago God called me to the city of Charlotte. He told me that He was going to use me in a greater role than I ever imagined, but didn't tell me what that would be. He provided a fantastic job, a place to stay, a place to put my things (I had a lot of stuff), a fantastic group of friends and a wonderful church.

Then he put in my heart a hunger for more. Through my struggling with that, God revealed to me that my new job was not where he wanted me. I prayed for discomfort (it was a fantastic job) and everything went to crap. Two weeks later I could reach no other conclusion but to leave my job.

I have spent the last 3 weeks with no cash flow and honestly, wondering if I was the dumbest person alive. I know how stupid it is to leave a job without another one to go to. I know how stupid it is to leave a job in less than 6 months. I know how stupid it is to wait on God in the mean time.

Then again, I also know how stupid it is to delay obedience. God has spoken to me and given me the ability to filter His purpose and I would be stupid to ignore that.

Through this process I have asked God to really shore up my faith. To teach me to act quicker when he calls. To question less and obey more.

In my 25 years, I have never needed anything. I have been blessed with parents who provided for me. I have been working since the age of 15 and had some pretty amazing jobs. I have never wondered how I would pay a bill or if I would make it to the next month without running out of gas/food/etc.

Now, with no cash flow for almost a month, things are getting tight. I'm about to start nibbling away at my savings account and I really, really don't want to do that. I know very clearly what God has planned for me now, but I don't know the time frame. It could be months or years before he sets my career in motion, and I've really started to wonder what I was going to do in the mean time.

My good friend Brittney made a post on Monday that was really a blessing in my life. She brings up Mathew 6:26 and through that, reminded me how valuable I am to my Father. That verse gave me the encouragement to trust God just a little longer.

Tuesday, I came to work for a friend of mine on a project car that has been taking much longer than anticipated. When it's finished, I will have the money I need for a few months, but until that time, I need cash to pay bills. Today he offered to pay me to install a roll cage in one of the cars we're working on (that takes me about 3 days) and just a few minutes ago, he offered to pay me to finish a car he's renting this weekend. On top of that, he is paying me for some work I did on a house of his not to long ago.

Did you catch that? God just gave me an avenue to pay for all my immediate bills.

Yesterday I also spoke with my good friend and old boss about the job I left. Things have been pretty tight for him recently too. He isn't getting as much business as usual, and I can tell he's a little stressed by it. God reinforced to me that His timing was indeed perfect. I left my old job just before work got tight and even more stressful.

I think I'm going to trust my Father and rely on him to provide for me for the first time in my life. I think it's time my faith stretches a little bit more, and that I have confidence in the gifts my Father has given me.

Faith or insanity?

I'm a bit of a dreamer according to my mother. She worries that amidst my scattered ideas and idealistic thoughts, I'll spend the better part of my adult life listless and adrift, never settling on a "secure" path. She's from the old school, where success is measured by your career path in the corporate world. Where the greatest thing you could tell someone at your 10 year high school reunion was that you were now middle-management for a Fortune 500 company. That is the world she grew up in and that is the world that provided for her and her family.

I have so much trouble wrestling with the worldly view of success, and the idealistic view. Growing up I never wanted for anything. My parents were fantastic providers. I went to great schools, had all the love I craved, and never needed anything. My dad worked for IBM for 32 years before he retired, my mother worked for over 20. We traveled around the world for the first 10 years of my life. It was amazing. I want nothing more than to provide for my children in that same way.

On the other hand, my dad's job was very stressful. He worked long hours and took many trips. At the age of 63, when I was only 12 years old, he passed away from a heart aneurysm.

The practical side of me wants to be the corporate shill. Wants to aim for the promotions and the pension and the nice house and the nice car. The idealistic side of me wants more than just an extra zero on my pay check. I want to impact the kingdom of God in a serious way. I want to stand before him in Heaven and know that my life was used to the fullest.

This is such a hard thing to balance. How many of my decisions are youthful ignorance and idealism? How many of them are powerful affirmations of my faith in Jesus Christ? I praise Jesus for the spiritual gift of discernment. Without it I think I would have tapped out a long time ago. Still, I'm in the hardest stage of my life and my walk with God that I have been in yet, and it's hard to not have doubts.

More to follow...