And then I missed the whole point.

I have struggled greatly in the last four months. I HATE anticipation. I don’t care if it’s good or bad but knowing something is coming……soon….. kills me. Pretend to poke me and I will smack the snot out of you. Punch me and it’s no big deal. Because I’m wired this way, God has never shown me much of my distant future. I couldn’t take it if he did. I know that God doesn’t typically give anyone distant knowledge, but for me it’s 100 times more than that. He won’t tell me what is in store 4 weeks away because that’s too much for me. I’m a “next step” guy and for me the next step is measured in days or hours.

Four months ago, God spoke to my heart in the most incredible way I’ve experienced since I gave my life to Christ. He told me He had plans for me in the church and that I needed to prepare myself for ministry. This was a BIG DEAL! I hated the thought of working for the church. To me, what could be worse than tedious, stressful work for minimal pay? After all, I had always planned to be a financial giver. (In truth, I was selfish and wanted my 90% or 80% to be as big as possible)

But this time was different. The notion that God would use me to reach lost people and live such a meaningful life almost crushed me. I literally wept for hours and could think of nothing else to do but pray that God would keep my incompetence out of His plan. I have never felt so unworthy, humbled, and full of His grace. Next to my salvation it is the most powerful moment in my life.

So I took steps. God shows me short term and I wanted to get on with His calling in my life. I made a lot of sacrifices to position myself how I thought I should and to explore what area of ministry to enter. I studied, prayed, read, and explored so many resources. Weeks turned into months. Time continued to tick by and I continued to remain faithful to what God was telling me. Soon, I found myself in a very tough spot. I had gone out on a limb to trust God and His direction, but things hadn’t worked out. Four months and I feel no closer now than when I started. I have failed at every attempt to move forward and I couldn’t understand why.

Until tonight at Unleash.

I don’t believe it’s arrogant to admit you have abilities or are good at something. If God puts a calling on your life He’s going to give you the ability and gifts to be successful in that area. God has put in my heart a passion and fervor for students and I believe my whole life has been preparation for this. I believe that I have the gifts and abilities to do it and do it well and yet, the opportunities didn’t appear as I expected and I knew that God was still molding and teaching me. Tonight, WHAT God was teaching has become so clear.

I have been so confident in the tools Jesus has gifted me that I have carried on these past few months on my own strength. I have the knowledge, I have the passion, I have the dedication. In truth, Jesus has everything! Somewhere along the path, between weeping on my bedroom floor and Unleash 4 months later, I lost touch with the fact that Jesus sustains me. Jesus lifts me up. Jesus is not just my everything; He is the reason for my everything! I guess I still have so much further to go….